Blessed Are The Tears Of Feeling

Kali, our beautiful calico cat is dying. Maitreya has placed her on a pillow on top of the mustard colored credenza in the kitchen. “Meow, meow. Meow meow” through her tears Tara, Maitreya’s eldest and most loved Disciple, chirps to Kali in the way she has done ever since I’ve come to live in Maitreya’s Ashram a year earlier. Kali raises her head and looks at Maitreya and Tara. Tears stream down Maitreya’s face. This is the first time I have seen Maitreya cry. “Kali cat I remember the first time I saw you, a tiny girl. Remember, you wouldn’t come down from the roof of the woman’s house in Palos Verdes. I called to you and you came running. Remember riding home in my Volkswagen? You sat on a pillow in the sink the whole way home.”

Maitreya puts his arm around Tara and they cry together, holding onto each other with one arm, each of their hands on Kali’s little body. “You brought her home to me Maitreya,” Tara says, “remember I didn’t want another kitty because I had just lost Boots? You came home and you gently placed her in my hands and my heart broke with joy.”

“Ommmmmmmm” Maitreya chants. “Jai Bhagavan Ji Jai Bhagavan ji Jai Bhagavan Ji” We all chant together. And then Maitreya calls to Kali, “It is okay Kali, surrender my beautiful kitty. Just surrender.” I watch as Kali’s eyes cloud over. Her breathing slows. Finally there is only one breath every 5 seconds, 10 seconds, 1 minute. One final gasp. I’ve never seen any creature die before.

I watch as Maitreya and Tara hug and hold one another and Maitreya gives Kali’s little body a final kiss.

But what is wrong with me? I can’t feel it anything. I can’t cry. I am numb. Numb! I don’t know what is wrong. I want to feel this, but I can’t!

Maitreya takes the pillow with Kali’s little body on it, and places it in a cardboard box. One of the Maitreyians runs outside and comes back in with a handful of flowers. Maitreya places them delicately around Kali. And then, a miracle. One by one, just like a funeral procession, Maitreya’s other kitties, come up to Kali. They sniff her little body. Psion sits and watches her for a full minute. One, two, three, seven kitties, one by one pay their respects to Kali Dasa. Maitreya and Tara’s Beloved Kitty.

But me, what’s wrong with me? Maitreya and Tara take Kali to the Kitty Cemetery. Through tears Tara tells us that her ashes will be ready to pick up on Tuesday. But I can tell Maitreya is annoyed with me. Maybe even angry. Oh no, can he tell what deadness is inside me?

Maitreya asks me what is wrong. I don’t want to say. I don’t want him to know the coldness and deadness that I feel. But he sees it anyway. I get angry and pretend like I don’t know what Maitreya is talking about. Maitreya pushes harder. I refuse to reveal anything. He tells me he doesn’t want to talk with me anymore. Now I have ruined that blessed communication. I am desperate.

I go back to the kitchen where Kali died. “God and Maitreya, please reveal what is wrong with me! Why can’t I feel this?” Minutes pass. Nothing happens. An hour. Desperation fills my being. Then, out of nowhere I begin to turn, round and round and round. I feel I am going down a drain. Round and round and round and suddenly I am in another kitchen, in Redstone Arsenal, Alabama. I see yellow everywhere. Bright sunshine coming through the windows. The joy of newborn kittens in the room fills my being. I love them!

And there is my dad. He has newborn baby kitties in his hands. They are little tiny white versions of my beloved Marshmellow. I overhear my dad whisper to my mom “She had too many kittens. She won’t be able to feed them all. The exhaustion may kill her. Nine kittens total.”

But my dad is taking five of the little babies away. I hear them crying. Small little meows. So precious! I love them! My mom is getting some plastic bags out from under the counter. Suddenly truth dawns on me. They are going to take these precious babies and bury them in the backyard, next to our garden. I feel the tiny kitties struggling for air, suffocating to death. NO NO NO NO NO NO! Not the baby kitties! Not the baby kitties. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! My dad scolds, "You must be a big girl. Marshmellow can’t take care of all these kittens. She may die. NO NO NO NO NO NO!" I scream. I cry. I can’t do anything. I can't save the babies. I hear them say over and over. “You must be a big girl.” I look at Mom and Dad. They are big. They aren’t crying. They aren’t screaming. “I must be a big girl, I must be a big girl, I must be a big girl,” becomes my mantra. I can’t do anything to help the kitties.  A numb darkness falls upon me and in an instant I become a big girl.

Then I wake from the numbness. I can feel! I can feel! I rush to Maitreya. Thank you Maitreya thank you. Thank you! You have given me your Sacred Blessing of Divine Recollection and set me free! Maitreya puts his hand on my shoulder and smiles.

But then, another darkness begins to fall. Anger washes over me, threatening to wipe out this Blessing. Maitreya gently reminds me, “He grew up on a farm. Farmers come from a different place than little girls. They do what they have to do to survive. He was doing the best he could, and did what he felt he had to do to save your Marshmellow.”  Even my anger dissolves in Maitreya’s Compassion for all Souls.

Tara shows me the pictures of Kali cat, surrounded by flowers, Psion sitting next to her, paying his respects. Blessed are the tears of feeling!

O Beloved Maitreya, truly The Friend of all Souls, you have removed the darkness and unfeeling from me. In your seeing my callousness, even when I tried to hide it, you gave me the desperation I needed to change. In your Understanding you gave me the Blessing of Divine Understanding. I am healed.

Jai Bhagavan Ji! Victory to Maitreya, the Friend of all Souls.